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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
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9:21 pm - Quote of the Day
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He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146
My friend, Dean, posted this quote about the abyss on Facebook the other day and it was just what I needed to read at the time. Isn't it interesting how often life provides you with just what you need?
Tonight I decided to search out the context of it and, again, see something I need to read - the bit about monsters. It seems I've been occasionally fighting monsters for awhile now, and it's obvious I've been taking the wrong approach. I need to just let them be and give them no more energy.
I walked away from some monsters earlier this year, but they circle around in other people's lives that are intertwined with mine, cropping up occasionally wanting to engage in my world again. No more fighting against that. I will take the direct approach, and remove the people from my life who are still involved with the monsters. It is the proverbial two birds with one stone situation, and requires no more fighting with monsters for me.
For the first time in months I feel like I'm on the right path. Tonight when I was writing in my gratitude journal I had a bit of a breakthrough that was long overdue. Again, life providing when one is open.
I'm at a turning point where I have to make a new life, a new way, a new path. I've been here before, but it has always been more obvious. This is more subtle but no less necessary.
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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9:25 pm - Journal Writing
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 I have been writing in journals almost since I could write. For many years part of what I wrote was what I dub the "chronicle of daily life," which I largely do online now.
But I still write by longhand in journals. The writing done by hand is different. We now know that different parts of the brain are engaged when we type than when we write with pen to paper. I always knew this, as I'm sure any devoted diarist did, but science has caught up with us.
Since I've been writing in the blog, I have written more sporadically by hand in journals. Periodically I've thought this was an error, and would rectify the situation by going to my paper journals more often.
But, as we approach the end of this year, which has been a very difficult one for me on multiple levels, I realize just how critical it is that I spend more time with pen and paper. I have started with my gratitude journal.
Science has proven that keeping a gratitude journal is one sure-fire way to increase your happiness level. I need more happiness. I'm not clinically depressed, I am "appropriately sad" given the circumstances I've found myself in this year. There's a big difference in those two things.
It would be very easy to have my doctor medicate me so I don't feel sad. But, I know from experience, grief will have its due. Period. There is no short cut. And there's no point in delaying that. So, I'm grieving the losses of this year - from body parts, to an innocence about one's good health, to the death of a dear friend, to losing the holiday celebrations I had planned. Part of that processing has to be done with pen and paper.
At the same time, I am spending time with my gratitude journal each day. I have so much to be thankful for this year. Amidst the losses, I was blessed to get the news thousands of people are praying for every day - "benign." I was lucky enough to have friends who rallied around me at various steps in the processes. I had great care. I have a new job I really, really love, working for people I respect a great deal. I am also fortunate enough to be able to understand why some have drifted out of my life this year. I'm thankful to be feeling strong enough to release those people.
It has been difficult to be close to me this year - it has been a frightening journey at times and you can't keep from putting yourself in my shoes at such a time. I understand some people just don't want to go there. I understand - it's scary, it's difficult, it's painful. But I cannot carry any of those relationships into the new year. I'm overdue to bid farewell to them.
So I'm going through a process to let go. I spend some time thinking about the positives of each relationship I need to part with. I appreciate the relationships for what they were, and then accept that they are no longer beneficial for the two of us, for whatever reason. Then I say, "thank you for the time we shared. I wish you well on life's journey and I release the bonds we've built. Thank you for being part of my world for a time. May happiness, laughter and goodness be yours all the days of your life. Thank you and goodbye."
I have decided that on this Thanksgiving I am going to spend the day in a constantly thankful frame of mind. I think that will do wonders for my own good mental health. Yes, this year has had many losses, but it has also offered much to be thankful for. I'm going to focus on that and spend some time with journals, making those blessings even more tangible with words formed on paper.
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| Friday, November 20th, 2009
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8:54 pm - Funny, Funny, Funny
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I read a lot. On rare occasions, something makes me laugh out loud. This week I was reading an excerpt of "What Would Susie Say," by Susie Essman. It's in "More" magazine and titled, "Who are you calling uncool? Moi?" The gist is that she is a cool chic involved with "Curb Your Enthusiasm," but the teenagers in her life see her as the village idiot. The whole piece is funny, but the last couple of sentences made me cackle. "These kids and their whole lame generation think they are so hip, with their bike helmets and their safe sex. In my day safe sex was when you did it without handcuffs." I definitely want to read the rest of the stories, because that just cracked me up. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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7:58 pm - Untitled
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8:14 am - Home
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I got home yesterday afternoon and all settled in. We decided I probably did need to rent a hospital bed for at least a short while instead of climbing the stairs so we dealt with that. I spent the first night there and other than waking up totally disoriented once it was fine. I'm needing very little pain medication, for which I'm thankful. I would make a very bad drug addict because I can't imagine why anyone wants to have that loopy feeling they leave you with. But, they're wonderful when you have pain and I certainly want them available when needed. My plan today is to rest all day. Frankly, I feel like being up and around a bit but I am going to rest and do as little as possible. I think that will probably do more for my healing than anything else. My body and mind must need rest, so I'm going to try and give them some. The last couple of days in the hospital I was working because I couldn't get rest from the various people "attending" to me. So, I worked. But I think a day of complete rest is in order now. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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9:45 am - home soon
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| Monday, November 16th, 2009
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9:55 am - Working
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I've been working on Cosmosphere things from the hospital today. I'm glad I had the opportunity to check in on my work email or we would have missed a television interview opportunity. Technology is amazing. It's somewhat incredible I could communicate with the folks I needed to about that and schedule it, all from the computer and cell phone, while people are going in and out taking my blood pressure and asking me to rate my pain. Do not worry - I did not communicate with the outside world while the lortab was kicking in. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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6:52 am - I Don't Like It
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An ongoing joke among friends is that I wrinkle my nose and shake my head and say, "I don't like it," about a large number of food items. This occasionally extends to things other than food, and it has become a joke when others imitate me. I've been doing this for years, but for some reason in the last few months it has become funny to others. It's kind of funny to see others do it and I'm guessing it's humorous when I do it too. The difference, of course, is that I'm not trying to be funny. I just don't like whatever it is. I like lots of different things. I'll eat almost any kind of fruit or vegetable. I'll eat most kinds of bread. I am pretty picky about meat products and I don't want to eat anything I don't know was prepared cleanly. I don't make an issue of it. I just pick things out or put them aside, or leave them. I don't complain. I generally carry a breakfast/protein bar in my purse so if I'm at a lunch or something where there's nothing I want to eat I can just eat that afterwards. I will do without but I won't eat something I just don't like. In the hospital I've been on a liquid diet but yesterday they started bringing me soup and pudding and such. This morning they bring my breakfast tray and it's: malt o meal - I don't like it lime jello - I don't like it milk - I don't like it coffee - I don't like it grape juice - Yay! it was good! I'm guessing Sharon, Mia, Greg and Mark would have enjoyed it. Pity only I got to experience the humor of the moment. And, for the record, I did not wrinkle my nose and say, "I don't like it," outloud. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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8:27 pm - UnBound
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I'm doing well. As of tonight I am untethered from any tubes, machines, IVs, etc. That happened somewhat by accident when my last IV essentially removed itself and they couldn't get one back in because they had used all my veins so many times. Unfortunately, this took away my epidural for pain relief. So, now I'm on Lortab by mouth for pain and so far so good. It is making me a little loopy and what can only be described as inappropriately happy. But, hey, one should accept happiness in whatever form it arrives so I'm not going to discrinimate against white caplets, and just enjoy it. However, so as not to embarrass myself any more than necessary, I'm going to keep this blog brief. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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5:03 pm - Room 5208
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They moved me from ICU to a regular room at 5208 this afternoon. Trish dropped by this morning and brought a cool plant and the "Julie& Julia" book. I've started the book already. I'm glad I haven't seen the movie yet because I like to read the book first. Later today Roger stopped by for a visit, then Greg was in for awhile. The surgeon wasn't in today but my personal physician says probably 2-3 days more. I'm loopy from the drugs, so forgive the typos or occasional bit of not making the best sense. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Friday, November 13th, 2009
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3:45 pm - No news is good news
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It has been relayed to me that Miss Joy wanted to know why there was nothing more on the blog yesterday about me. The story is this:
I'm doing fine at Promise Regional Medical Center here in Hutchinson Kan.
I'm still in ICU as a precaution because the surgery was more extensive than expected and I appreciate my surgeon taking care. I'm astarting to see a trend that good surgeons are very careful surgeons
I will most likely go to a room on the telemetry floor tomorrow where they can monitor my heart for a fib
if a room there is not available I will probably remain in ICU although that's just my guess
I know who won oprah's karoke contest
my surgeon no longer seems to think I'm just a drug addict wanting painkillers but that I was actually in pain after being cut open - of course I'm being sarcastic but we seem to have found a better way to communicate which is certainly helped by me not having a tube down my nose and throat (who says communication degrees are useless)
I've been up to walk three times today and would have gone more if someone were available to go with me but they were very busy and I will go more before bed
the last time they let me go walk by myself
my nurse says I'm the best post op patient she has ever seen in her 30 plus years of nursing about getting up and walking (and I like to be best but I would so like it to be about something else)
I only have my phone to communicate with, which is why updates from me are sparse. Greg will have to find his own excuse.
My thumb typing speed has improved
Greg is bringing my laptop tonight but I have IVs in both hands and don't know how much I will be able to type anyway
I hope to be able to get a Facebook Fix
my nursing care since Bob (please wait for the angels to sing his praises because he was extraordinary) has ranged from good to excellent and I'm very thankful
if I could offer just one piece of advice to nurses it would be to slow down and take it easy
if I could offer one piece of advice to administrators it would be to create a circumstance where nurses can slow down and take it easy
I'm mentally and emotionally making adjustments about the holidays because I know I won't be able to travel at all by Thanksgiving and certainly not to Kentucky by Christmas (expect my tree to begin its ascent during the long July 4th holiday of 2010)
I feel really good, considering, but it will be awhile before I am normal again
My surgeon tells me this surgery was certainly as major as what I had in !anuary. I was not prepared for that. This was supposed to be simple.
I'm going to find out the name of the doctor who came up last night to see an elderly woman and declared, "That lady is a miracle." I like doctors who believe in miracles. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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2:54 pm - thanks
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thanks everyone for your good wishes on the blog and Facebook. I only have my phone and can't respond to each of you but I'm reading everything. Each prayer, positive thought and healing vibe is most appreciated. Greg has gone to sleep and I txted sharon that I was ok and to get some rest.thank you all for your concern.
Patsy
www.patsyterrell.com
sent from mobile device Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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11:33 am - patsy here
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this is patsy... Writing on the phone from icu. I'm feeling bettr. I've been up to waolk and am sitting up. Dramatically better than yesterday. Greg wemt to sleep. I don't have mmy glasses so forgive typos. Plus I'm very drugged. Thank goodness...
greg will update u on any big news.
Patsy
www.patsyterrell.com
sent from mobile device Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Monday, November 9th, 2009
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11:24 pm - Tomorrow is the Day
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My surgery has been rescheduled to 3:30 tomorrow. It was originally at 2, but the needed to reshuffle and were going to put me in the morning but I had planned to work in the morning to finish up a couple of things. So, they moved me to 3:30. I check in at 1:30. Of course, this is "minor" surgery, to repair a hernia I acquired after surgery earlier this year. But, of course, nothing seems minor when it's you they're cutting on. I'm thrilled that my recovery nurse will most likely be Annie, a friend I really adore. So, that's a big bonus. Greg will be updating here as things progress. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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5:18 am - Good Morning America and Grammar
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Occasionally I become concerned about the English language and the continued decline of using it properly. On ABC's "Good Morning America" they introduced a story by writing "How will bill effect your family?" Before I could get their email pulled up to send them a note saying that should be "affect," they changed it. I'm thrilled they caught the mistake. We all make mistakes like that on a regular basis, and while I'd like to say a national news program shouldn't, such programs are run by individuals, just like you and me. We all make typos and bad choices where grammar is concerned. So, instead of a nasty note to ABC, I'm giving them kudos for catching it so quickly and making the correction. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Saturday, November 7th, 2009
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7:46 am - Ingenious Marketing at Walmart
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 Walmart had a barely-advertised sale this morning -a pre-black-Friday sale that started at 8 a.m. It was only online and on the radio. One of the things they offered was a laptop for $298. It's not a fancy laptop by any means, but it's serviceable. And, of course, I had no working laptop after the untimely death of my $1200 machine recently. You may remember my post that was basically "laptops are crap and I'm not ever 'investing' in one again." But, I have to have one. I just decided my next one was going to be much cheaper. I've been shopping around and the cheapest thing I had found was $359 at Best Buy and not as good a machine as this. When Michele mentioned it yesterday afternoon I decided I would go pick one up. Even though it was after 2 when I got to bed, I got up a little after 6 and headed out. I was surprised to find the parking lot was not very full. I got back to electronics and there were about six people waiting, most of whom wanted X-Box or TVs. There was some confusion about which line to wait in for the laptop, but once that was determined it went smoothly. And, a big thank you to Judy, who handled the situation well. Okay, so I replaced my laptop. I'm happy. I haven't even unboxed it yet and I'm happy. But, beyond my personal purchase, I am very impressed with the concept. Walmart now has some idea of how their holiday season is going to go. Our store got 26 of these laptops and all but two of them were sold when I was back there buying mine. I'm sure they were all sold by the time I got out of the store. But, if they hadn't sold them all they would now have more of the Christmas season to sell them so they don't get stuck with them. If they had had 100 people waiting in life for them they would have known they could order in many more and sell them. They have information no other retailer has right now. By the time the day is over, and they combine the data from stores all over the country, they're going to be able to make decisions about what to order, how much to order, and how long it's likely to stay on the shelves. I have no retail experience, but those seem like really important things to know. I know there are people who hate Walmart and I'm not going to debate the evils or the virtues. But you can't argue with the ingenuity of this. And, it's something many other businesses could have done - they mostly used their website instead of traditional marketing. (Just realized as I wrote that that I consider websites kind of "old school" marketing anymore, but I digress.) But, other businesses didn't do it. No doubt they will next year, but it is Walmart that took the risk in this economy that they would get stuck with a ton of merchandise. My guess is they will reap the rewards of that, but it was a risk. If 26 machines made their way to Hutchinson, Kansas, I'm guessing some stores got far more. It's so simple. So incredibly simple. Hey - lets start our big sales sooner so we have more time to sell the merchandise before Christmas. And lets don't invest much money in advertising it. Then we'll know how much money we really have to spend to get people through the door. So simple. But oh so smart. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Friday, November 6th, 2009
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11:48 pm - Wicked
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Greg, Sharon and I went to see Wicked in Wichita tonight. It was so incredibly cool. I'm soooooo glad I got to see it, and am so thankful. It was a visually stunning experience. I had a moment of personal clarity while watching it. When the joke is "blonde," I thought, "oh, wow, I should have been blonde." It was an American Pie kind of moment when our guy recognizes, "I was always a band geek - I just never joined the band." In some ways I've always been blonde, I just never dyed my hair. Who knows, maybe I will at some point. All in all it was a great experience. Very cool. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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| Thursday, November 5th, 2009
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10:53 pm - Meeting Jami and Martha's Words of Wisdom
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Wednesday night the Cosmosphere hosted the Kansas Museums Association as part of its conference in Hutchinson. I had the unexpected pleasure of meeting Jami, a blog reader who I've connected with on Facebook. It was just wonderful to meet her and get a chance to talk face to face. I'm amazed at what you can learn about a person's life from those brief status updates in Facebook. I feel like I have a small sense of what Jami's days are like and I love that. I'm so very glad we are able to connect in that way. For a long time I had a note on the bottom of each blog post, asking people to friend me in Facebook, but it has been rare that anyone has, although people will often tell me when they meet me that they've wanted to. So, this is an open invitation - if you're a blog reader and want to connect on Facebook, please do. I'm there under my own name, so you can find me easily enough. Of course, I don't have the benefit of knowing who's reading, but I'm always flattered when I meet folks. My conversation with Jami was really meaningful to me. I mean really meaningful. Unbeknowst to me, she has been listening to my podcasts and reading my blog for some time, and occasionally something comes up that strikes her. I'm incredibly touched by that. I was talking about meeting Jami with my friend, Martha, tonight, and how these connections develop because of the writing I do here. And I was reminded of Darla's surprise gift to me this summer and how delighted I was that someone would drop off something just to make me smile. I happened to bump into her at the fair and got to have a nice conversation, which was great. I love feeling connected to people in different ways. It's always a rare treat to get to spend a few hours in conversation with Martha and I treasure those times. She said something at dinner tonight that really made an impact on me. "Clearly, you have transitioned." I'm not even sure what that means yet, but I know it was a moment of real truth. You can recognize those when they happen - it's as if time stands still and the angel choir sings. I wrote it down because I immediately knew it was truth. Over the last couple of years I have made a conscious effort to change some parts of my personality. Oddly enough, Martha has been a model for some of those things. I suppose in some ways we are always in transition - good or bad - we're generally in the midst of some kind of change. But, I believe what Martha said is true. I have transitioned. So, now I have the task of defining myself as this new person. I'm not even sure what this person does differently, but I'll figure it out. At this point I just hope it's for the good.     
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| Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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11:27 pm - Energy
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 It's a time of year for clearing out of energy. I was talking with someone just tonight about energy and how some people have compatible energy that builds you, and how some people try to drain energy from you. I've been a bit low on energy the last few months and have been attributing it to my healing process, but that isn't it. While I've been so focused on healing I have neglected my critical thinking about people in my world, and have neglected to shed those who take my energy. Fortunately, this conversation - among other things - was a reminder. I need to get rid of people who are taking energy from me, and connect with those who are willing to share theirs. It's such a simple thing and I overlooked it. Sometimes it takes a conversation with a similar personality/energy type to point out the obvious. Thank goodness that dropped into my life tonight from a completely unexpected source. I'm grateful. So, tonight as I lay down to sleep I will begin the disconnecting, the letting go, the parting. Farewell. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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12:14 am - Operating Systems and Orchestras
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It has been a few days since I opened the new computer - it's a very basic computer, but faster than my old one. I'm still working out the kinks. I've loaded only the most essential software and have discovered that many things don't work with the new operating system. A piece of advice I always give to others is to not jump into anything when it's the first version. What did I do? Jump into the first version. And now I'm paying the price. You can google until you're blue in the face and find no references to your problems. When I've found a few more "fixes" I'll write a blog post about them so maybe someone else will benefit. Tonight Greg, Sharon and I went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra in Wichita. I had not seen them before and it was fun - I mean it's largely Christmas music, how could I not like it. My favorite part was when it snowed on us. Yes! It snowed in the auditorium. I can't quite classify the performance, but I think it's about: 5 parts 80s hair band 2 parts Las Vegas 1 part over the top broadway histrionics 1 part Yanni I reserve the right to change those percentages as I think more about it. It was fun, and I was amazed at the wide age spread. There was everything from teenagers to senior citizens attending. It was neat to see the show. Well, time for bed for me. I had the day off today but tomorrow it's back in the routine. Posted via email from Patsy's posterous
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